You know, I daily get bombarded by my imperfections.
I guess we all do and this is old news.
But I don’t care.
I simply have to log on to Facebook or Tumblr or Pinterest – all three reminding me what I don’t have or wish to have or aspire to be or secretly long to do………
Most days, when I finally pry my eyes away, I feel a sense of sadness.
Please note how I didn’t use the word depressed.
Rather, I wrote sadness. Yes, because each time I realize I am not doing something, I get sad.
It saddens me that I feel like I am missing out on life.
I’ve realized something today. I love doing things. I really enjoy being busy and having a busy schedule. (Even though, I easily get overwhelmed.) A part of me thrives on this busyness and it annoys me how I haven’t been very busy for a while. I see life getting busy soon, but I keep wondering, why not now?
I want to do things. I want to look at my life and be proud of the things I have done. Not only work wise but adventure wise. I guess, my mind glues on the days when life is slow and forgets how easily it gets busy.
I forget feeling joy, so fast.
It scares me really.
Recently, I’ve began believing that I see the world through a melancholic point of view. My lense is full of relationships trapped in sadness and radiating my own fear of being trapped in one.
Gosh, it’s so crazy how some days I want a relationship and other days, I’m petrified of the idea of marriage. What if it goes wrong? What if one day I wake up and feel trapped and lost and married to a man who is harsh and rude and cold? I’m so sensitive I fear utter destruction.
Not to mention, I am not as innocent as I may seem.
And here I remember God’s grace. I stop this nonsense fear because His grace is sufficient for me.
Truly it is.
Yet, I observe relationships, okay? They aren’t easy. Men are not kind to women – no they are harsh and pay no attention to them. Women exasperate their men – expecting the world and looking for a hero in them. It pains me to be in the presence of a hurting or broken marriage. Seriously, I often feel physically wounded, my heart hurts.
In my mind, I know I can do all things through Christ’s who strengthens me. I believe that I believe this truth. However, the problem lays with my heart.
It’s stubborn and doesn’t like to listen to reason.
Making me very thankful that I have both a brain and a heart to wage war against each other. I cannot imagine living with just one or the other. I would not be the person I am.
This brain of mine constantly reminding me who I am living for and why.
My problem does not lay with the media I indulge in, but in my priority.
Each time I click on a photo or long to be noticed for my words, I am living for the praise of man. Just like any artist, I want people to notice me, I want feedback so much it hurts. I desperately try to keep myself from fishing for attention, but behind this smile I ache to be noticed and to be encouraged.
I’m just being truthful.
Which reminds me, I’m not good at giving others the shining light….. either. Perhaps true happiness lays there: giving praise instead of needing to receiving it. Learning to love myself, while loving the other.
To you my reader, who has stuck through my whole contemplation, I say thank you.