trying to be the millennial I am

I decided to sign up for a social dating app today. Just try it out. Cause why not?

Surprises:
It’s weird having a random person I don’t know like my picture
All prospects recommended either got an ugh or no response from me, instantly
I got overwhelmed super fast
I don’t get why people share pictures with other random people in them
Someone actually liked my photo… now I either like one of theirs or start a chat?
…feels weird.
Apparently, my social anxiety levels are HIGH

Uhm pretty sure this will not end with a date anytime soon. Cool.

as the song goes: would you lie with me and just forget the world? (maybe this post is all over the place but it’s kay)

Processed with VSCO with f2 presetMom and I traveled down to Athens this week to stay with my great aunt for a few days. She’s 84 and life isn’t really too kind to those whose age is a high number.

Three days, no wifi. Ooph, it was hard! My millennial self struggled. I can’t say I was missed but being online is a daily routine my habitual self didn’t know how to live without. I mean, obviously, I cheated a couple times! I went to a nearby coffee shop to check my social media and put in a couple job applications. Satisfying that compulsion to feel connected through the interwebs.

I discovered there are benefits to this disconnect though…

My great aunt, Irene, reminds me of my grandma. They’re sisters (after all), three years apart, both relatively short women who married tall men. They share a similar spunkiness, a tendency to keep their fridges full, and both very kind hearted. Their commonalities are strong, and sometimes I wonder if when I get older people will say the same for me and my sisters.

But, grandma passed away 10 years ago… and aunt Irene has been not a substitute but a nice reminder of her sister.

Anyways, yesterday, as aunt Irene woke up from her nap, I ended up getting in bed with her to snuggle. It was an action that ended up surprising us both. We enjoyed it a lot and each time I got up for a moment, she’d call for me to come back. We spent a good hour and half laying there as she shared stories about when she was my age, about her sister, and about her late husband, Harris.

It was so neat to feel the world drift away and hear her talk. She told me about Harris and how he wanted to marry her from the moment he set his eyes on her. She lost him over 20 years ago and her heart still aches for him.

Love is this wild thing that I don’t know much about it. At least, not the “in love” part. I know about loving people and I try very hard to love people well, even if I don’t always succeed. But lately, I’ve thought about love a lot and about loving someone deeply and losing that person… and then what’s left?

A heart that’s broken, lost, and confused?

How do you ever move forward

How do you let go

The Christian answer in my head is: God will heal those wounds. And the thing is, he does… sure, but sometimes, I don’t think the whole pain ever leaves. Not really. It’s a thorn that remains in your heart, right? Or so it feels. A thorn that stabs you every day, even if its hollow and faint.

I just don’t think such a pain can ever truly, completely stop.

Perhaps because hearts are made to break. They are fragile and marked by their ability to feel – everything. So, sometimes, when they are shattered… those pieces can only attempt to recreate what they once were. It’s like when you break your ribs, right? Those bones can never heal as they were before but mend within their brokenness. They will create something new of which you are forever reminded that they were once deformed and now changed.

I don’t know, loving is hard but as I laid there listening to my aunt tell me story after story and share her hurt, here’s one thing I know: I’d lay on a damn bed any day with a person I care for and love, just to spend a few moments forgetting about the world.

Maybe that’s selfish, but maybe it’s not… Yet, maybe it’s just savoring those quiet moments that tend to be far and wide apart.

i miss you tonight

It’s the type of miss I wish I could share.

Like back a few months when you’d say it and I felt my feelings get all giddy.

But no,
this one is the type of miss that bangs against my heart and scratches it to pieces. Why? Because it can’t be shared.

It stays hidden in my thoughts as tears fill my eyes and my nose gets all stuffy.

That’s the type of miss it is…
the one that hurts.

the way he looks at you

It ought to change things,

the way his eyes find yours and you stand a little uneasy, unsure. His look holds a small quiet promise that perhaps it’ll ignite something. That maybe, if he keeps looking at you and you keep catching his gaze, he’ll move toward you and say the things your heart longs for him to say.

But,

sometimes looks are just looks and they aren’t strong enough to move mountains.

you are good

in every season

when my heart breaks
when i can’t breathe because my chest feels tight
when the stars in the sky shine so bright
when the wind blows hard
when the rain pours down
when the storm is strong and i’m afraid i’ll get lost in the night
when the whispers of a man’s promise are broken
when i’m drowning in my own sorrow
when tomorrow seems so far away
when i say goodbye
when i won’t ever say hello to you again
when life doesn’t go as planned
when people steal, cheat, and lie
when people die
when people leave
when people break my heart
when people love me
when people hug me
when people remind me you are good
when the wait seems too long and too hard and too far away
when tears fill my eyes
when i lay awake at night and my thoughts flood my mind
when i’m happy
when i’m sad
when the sun shines through my window blinds
when the morning birds sing
when the train shares its loud deep try
when i lose what i want to keep
when i don’t get what i want
when he looks at me but nothing changes
when i feel alone and lost
when hopelessness pinches at my heart
when my mind can’t figure out how to let go
when my heart doesn’t want to let go of him
when i write and try to find my voice
when i find my voice
when i lose my voice
when the past haunts my mind and scares my future
when i don’t know who i am
when i don’t know what i want
when i don’t know how to move on
when i don’t love you well
when i’m mean, hurtful, hateful to those i love
when i don’t love well
when others don’t love me well
when i’m judgemental
when my insecurities take over
when the darkness falls around me and i decide i want to stay in its shadow
when you pull me out
when tomorrow’s promise is everything begins again but it all still feels the same
when i wake up and decide to be good, kind, loving to myself
when i learn how to love well
when i find the peace that passes all understanding
when i realize life may not be about being happy

but about your goodness.

sweet cheek kisses

I left the office today with a pressing thought: I love receiving kisses on my cheek.

No, I did not receive one today, but I was reminded of a day I did.  Joan (a sweet lady, I love dearly) was in the office today.  I said goodbye to her on my way out and I was brought back to a time during this past summer.

One day, she was in the office and I was being silly.  (You know, a normal occurrence for me :P.)  I told her that the next day she came in she had to bring me something sweet.  I elaborated by saying, it didn’t have to be necessarily chocolate but it could be something less expensive like a kiss on the cheek.

Honestly, I wasn’t being serious – I was just being goofy.  I don’t even remember what spurred me to tell her to bring something to me.  I think it was because she was leaving and I was being dramatic saying she could only leave if when she returned she’d bring me something back in return.  (I think that’s how it went.)

ANYWAYS

The next day, I was taken by utter surprise.  In my typical fashion I had forgotten about my words, but Joan hadn’t.  She pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek.

“There, this is the sweet thing I brought you today,” she said with a loving granny smile.

Even if I’d been given all the chocolate in the world, it wouldn’t have amounted to the love I felt in that moment.  The sweet kiss on my cheek touched my heart more than I would have considered.

As I posted below, I got to see my dad sporadically in the last two weeks.  Relatively, each night we said goodnight to each other we gave each other cheek kisses.  It’s so Greek that it’s thoughtless.

One of the things I miss the most about Greek culture is the kisses on the cheek.  I never thought it’d be something I’d love so dear… considering, as a child and young teen I found it mundane and well, awkward at times.

Even so, it’s something I’ve come to appreciate a lot.  I think because it actually causes people to draw near and be intimate.  It’s not as intimate as a kiss on the lips (which I have yet to experience and therefore, cannot say if that is more sweet than one of the cheek) but in order to kiss a person on the cheek one has to come very close.  One has to eliminate the barrier that often keeps others at a distance. Plus, cheek kisses can be given and received by anyone!  Not just by lovers… I think that says a lot about how special cheek kisses are – don’t you?

Conclusion: all cultures should have cheek kisses ingrained in their society!