music: i’m learning, so i think you should too

I have a song for you:

Though you slay me by Shane & Shane. (Thanks to my sis for pointing me in its direction tonight!)

Lately, I’ve been dealing with not feeling content. It’s a daily problem and some days, it’s worst than others.

Mornings and evenings are the hardest… I guess, I’m too distracted during the day.

But I want to tell you, this song, this video hits the head on the nail. Watch it. Listen to it. Pause. Let the words seep in, let the weight fall. You see, it’s a day by day process. Not a weekly or monthly or yearly thing – but a daily thing. Loving Him is daily.

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it’s 2014 yo

I’m not one for New Years Resolutions – mostly, because I believe in daily resolutions.

I like believing that today I can change something I couldn’t yesterday, without waiting for the end of a year.  Maybe it reminds me that every day calls for me being strong.

Anyways, saying goodbye to 2013 is bittersweet.

Some of my closest friends would agree in saying, I have not gone a year without some major change or challenge.  Very true, I don’t disagree.  However, looking back… I would definitely say, 2013 was a year of deep change and challenge moving toward healing.

Lots of things happened in 2013:

  • First year of post-grad blues
  • I moved forward from feeling heart-broken
  • Obtained a leadership job
  • Proved to myself and others that I have a voice
  • Spread my roots to becoming self-dependant
  • I learned how to take steps of loving myself better

Okay I will confess, I think of 2013 in regards to 2012…however, 2013 was a result of 2012.

(Whatever, it all makes sense in my head, okay?)

The point is I am letting go of 2013 with a bittersweet heart.  It seems like each new year promises grandeur.  An endless list of possibilities.  When 2013 began, I didn’t feel like I had a place of my own.  I felt unsettled by the notion of the future and had no idea what my next steps would be or where I would go.

I am happy to say this is not true for 2014.  I have plans and goals and wishes for this year.  I am so excited for what is to come.

I am excited to see how I continue to grow in my current job.  I am not naive to expect an easy run but I am looking forward to what God does through me.  I also cannot wait to see what I learn from going back to studies.  In the last month, it’s become all too clear to me that I want to pursue further studies.  For a while now, I’ve been struggling with what I’d like to study.  What would fuel my heart, my passions and my life?  I’ve discovered a subject that I’ve often given a blind eye to because so much could follow.  Anyways.  I don’t know if 2014 is the year I begin further studies, but today, I know what I want to pursue and what I don’t.

And I guess, that’s all I can ask for.

Lastly, as this new year has started, I feel strong.  A sense I have not felt with the passing of other years.  Yes, other years, came when I wasn’t ready for them.  But today, I feel ready for 2014.  Today, I know who I am and to me, that’s all that really matters.

Today, I am very joyful.

tomorrow said hello to sally

It’s easy for her to rush forward.  To try and solve it all before it happens.  She thinks she’s doing herself a favor, but she’s not.

She needs to take a step back.

Watch the ripples of water fall down the facet or see as the rays of sun rise from the earth.  Take in the little pausing moments of the days.  Notice how his smile twitches or how she says thank you.  Hold the little baby close and feel the beating heart of another soul.

Or even, stop and listen to her own breathing.  Feel the soft tempo of her being – set aside her thoughts that are too deep, full of worry beyond her strength.

Emerge life into her unyielding mind.  Remind it how when she was little she could sit for hours and talk to her imaginary friends:  Sally, Missy and Lilly.  It was fun then to just play.  Sit on her bottom and drink fake tea or wear her mommy’s clothing and shoes.

She didn’t perform then, not for anyone expect herself and it was fun.

She laughed at her own jokes even if they weren’t funny.

She didn’t think about tomorrow and perhaps, that’s when the rush began.  When tomorrow popped in and said hello to Sally.

Then without asking her, Sally began to believe tomorrow and tell her to think about it.

Did she know where she was going and what she was doing and what she would be wearing??

So many questions she didn’t know how to answer Sally…

Slowly, Sally, Missy and Lilly no longer asked her anymore questions because tomorrow took them away.  They where enslaved by their curiosity of what could come later.  What if they could do something to make tomorrow better?  Today, was not enough and so, tomorrow needed to be perfect.

Tomorrow is now her king and I just pray — YES, I pray, she remembers the little quiet things.

If she does, the rushing will stop.

She will come back.  She will find her rest and sit down and play.  She will no longer play with Sally, Missy and Lilly because she has grown up.

But also, she will have found herself again.

this is what happens when i spend too much time thinking…

You know, I daily get bombarded by my imperfections.

I guess we all do and this is old news.

But I don’t care.

Because.

I simply have to log on to Facebook or Tumblr or Pinterest – all three reminding me what I don’t have or wish to have or aspire to be or secretly long to do………

Most days, when I finally pry my eyes away, I feel a sense of sadness.

Please note how I didn’t use the word depressed.

Rather, I wrote sadness.  Yes, because each time I realize I am not doing something, I get sad.

It saddens me that I feel like I am missing out on life.

Meaning.

I’ve realized something today.  I love doing things.  I really enjoy being busy and having a busy schedule.  (Even though, I easily get overwhelmed.)  A part of me thrives on this busyness and it annoys me how I haven’t been very busy for a while.  I see life getting busy soon, but I keep wondering, why not now?

I want to do things.  I want to look at my life and be proud of the things I have done.  Not only work wise but adventure wise.  I guess, my mind glues on the days when life is slow and forgets how easily it gets busy.

I forget feeling joy, so fast.

It scares me really.

Recently, I’ve began believing that I see the world through a melancholic point of view.  My lense is full of relationships trapped in sadness and radiating my own fear of being trapped in one.

Gosh, it’s so crazy how some days I want a relationship and other days, I’m petrified of the idea of marriage.  What if it goes wrong?  What if one day I wake up and feel trapped and lost and married to a man who is harsh and rude and cold?  I’m so sensitive I fear utter destruction.

Not to mention, I am not as innocent as I may seem.

And here I remember God’s grace.  I stop this nonsense fear because His grace is sufficient for me.

Truly it is.

Yet, I observe relationships, okay?  They aren’t easy.  Men are not kind to women – no they are harsh and pay no attention to them.  Women exasperate their men – expecting the world and looking for a hero in them.   It pains me to be in the presence of a hurting or broken marriage.  Seriously, I often feel physically wounded, my heart hurts.

But.

In my mind, I know I can do all things through Christ’s who strengthens me.  I believe that I believe this truth.   However, the problem lays with my heart.

It’s stubborn and doesn’t like to listen to reason.

Making me very thankful that I have both a brain and a heart to wage war against each other.  I cannot imagine living with just one or the other.  I would not be the person I am.

This brain of mine constantly reminding me who I am living for and why.

Therefore.

My problem does not lay with the media I indulge in, but in my priority.

Each time I click on a photo or long to be noticed for my words, I am living for the praise of man.  Just like any artist, I want people to notice me, I want feedback so much it hurts.  I desperately try to keep myself from fishing for attention, but behind this smile I ache to be noticed and to be encouraged.

I’m just being truthful.

Which reminds me, I’m not good at giving others the shining light….. either.  Perhaps true happiness lays there: giving praise instead of needing to receiving it.  Learning to love myself, while loving the other.

And.

To you my reader, who has stuck through my whole contemplation, I say thank you.

all those dark nights when I was just a little child

Kali,” I breathed, my voice barely audible.

Her body moved.  I tugged her shoulder, shaking her body lightly.

Kali!” I muttered.  My voice raised a notch.  I spoke her name several times, until my voice was a clear whisper.  Her yes flickered opened and I took the opportunity given to me.

Here.  Get on my bed.”  The poor girl was too tired to do anything else but what she was told.  Eyes barely open, she looked around dozed and then pushed herself up.  I moved to the inside and made her room.  Grabbing her pillow, she lay next to me within seconds.

I scooted to the wall and glued myself there.  Since I tricked her into sleeping with me, I might as well make it as comfortable for her.

Not even a second later, Kali was back asleep and I could truly breath again.

The following night, I played to do the same thing again.  Wait till she was fast asleep, in order to wake her and tell her to get in my bed.

Each night, was the same story.  I bride Kali with all kinds of things.  She hardly ever slept in her bed, because most nights she ended up on the pull-out bed under my own.  She was inches away from me.  However, it was never enough.  I only felt safe if she lay exactly next to me.

Kali!” I said, my voice confidant.

What?”  She asked me, grumpy after I woke her up.

Get in bed with me!”  I was positive my new plan of attack would work.

Let me sleep!”  She hissed and turned the other way.

Looks like my plan wasn’t as successful as I thought it would be.  I never tried it on her again.  I knew it wasn’t fun to be awaken in the night.

Then again, it was never fun laying with eyes wide open for hours.

I would imagine hands coming up from under my bed, ants coming from the floor to bite me, people breaking in and hurting me, a mad scientist under my bed, demons… they haunted me.

I went from sleeping in mom and dad’s bed, with them – to them, taking turns and laying in bed with me until I fell asleep. No matter how much I tried, my eyes would not close.  Not if a person didn’t lay beside me, to protect me.  Someone stronger than me, bolder.  I knew I was weak and an easy prey.

I suppose, I’ve always been a night watcher of some sorts.  Struggled to sleep.  Either from unable to find comfort or of terror.

Younger, I never liked to say, I was afraid of something.  I never said I was afraid of the dark – I just didn’t like it.  I could see clearly.  Things could hide in the dark and sneak out on me.  The idea of not knowing, petrified me.

This fear kept me from being able to sleep on my own for years.  The first time I finally slept all by myself was forced.  Gina had just moved down to Athens for her year at the Bible school and Kali had gone to Bulgaria with dad.  I was left on my own.  I suppose I could have slept with mom.

I put a CD on by Ana Laura and listened to it for hours.  Some of her songs gave me the strength to allow God to pour courage in me.  You see, I always said, “Right now, I sleep in the same room with my sisters, when I go to College in the states the first years I’ll be with Gina and the next with Kali, and then when I’m done I’ll get married.  I’ll never have to sleep by myself!”

And here I am, tomorrow, I will be cleaning up my own room – the one I shared with Kali.  I’ll be making it my own.  This will be my first room – at least for now, I’ll be able to fix it as I please.  The bedroom I grew up in.  The bedroom that made me feel weak and afraid.  Currently, I’m sleeping in Gina’s old room – I was even more afraid of this one, it’s easier for people to come in.  (No one ever has.)

My, how times have changed.  The dark isn’t as scary anymore.