i miss you tonight

It’s the type of miss I wish I could share.

Like back a few months when you’d say it and I felt my feelings get all giddy.

But no,
this one is the type of miss that bangs against my heart and scratches it to pieces. Why? Because it can’t be shared.

It stays hidden in my thoughts as tears fill my eyes and my nose gets all stuffy.

That’s the type of miss it is…
the one that hurts.

the way he looks at you

It ought to change things,

the way his eyes find yours and you stand a little uneasy, unsure. His look holds a small quiet promise that perhaps it’ll ignite something. That maybe, if he keeps looking at you and you keep catching his eyes, he’ll move toward you and say the things your heart longs for him to say.

But,

sometimes looks are just looks and they aren’t strong enough to move mountains.

goodbye january 2017, hello february 2017

Oh January. You have been a month full of loss, hurt, and pain.

You’ve been hard.

Harder than I predicted. You’ve been hard on the world too.

2017 you did not start with a shiny new beginning. Instead, you followed closely in the footsteps of 2016. Not surprising since we put way too much pressure on you.

I won’t lie – part of me wishes for a do-over; rewind time and maybe get it better the second time around.

But.

Maybe February 1st can serve as a do-over. It’s tomorrow after all. New month, new day, new 28 days to live. New prospect that maybe this whole month will be easier and lighter and freer.

Tonight January ends and tomorrow February begins.

May it be good.

growing up

She wasn’t ready for time to pass by so quickly.

It leaves a wake trailing behind even as the dust settles underneath her toes. Glancing down she notices new scabs and bruises coloring her pale skin.

Hadn’t she just cleaned them yesterday?

Or was that the day before yesterday…

She blocks the sun from her eyes and takes one step forward. Sometimes, growing up means walking even when it hurts.

i want a turn off button

I’m pretty good at filling up my time with nonsense and although, this nonsense has decreased it’s still nonsense.

It’s still there keeping me from thinking.

It’s the reason I’m up so late when I should be fast asleep.

I actually thought I’d given myself a good amount of time to just think and ponder and discover, but it’s past 1:30 am and I recognize, I didn’t give myself enough time.

I’m not a good wait-er.

I’ve never been.

When I want something, I want it to happen now.  Which is fine, but it’s not at the same time.  It causes me to stay up late and think, but not think at the same time because I don’t want to be thinking.

Confusing enough?

I guess my problem is that I can be so inconsistent with myself and I’m not sure how to stop.

I wish I had a button and I wish I could press it.  This button would then swipe away all my worry and doubt.  It would simply cause me to focus on today and live in today.  I don’t want to be swept away by maybes but stand firm on the ground I currently behold.

I thought today would clarify things for me and it did, but not as I would have liked.  At first, I thought this new idea would be okay to add to the back of my head, but really it’s just causing me more brain problems.

I don’t mean to complain – I just wish I could switch the off button and ship this uneasiness away.