am i trying to be strong when only weakness lies ahead

Defeat chokes my lunges and leaves me breathless.

The blues spring forth as perfect clockwork and jar me to wonder about my sensitivity.

Depression…bipolar….melancholy….

Words that force a shiver down my spine.  (They are not me.)

Who am I but a girl with too many emotions – I want to shout.

So much irony, I could laugh until my blood runs dry.

Tears overflow my eyes and burn my checks.  They run on by… Yes, they quiver as they drop to the ground.

Will You hold me until they fade into the dark?  …until they leave me for another night?

Remind me to rejoice in suffering for suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. (Romans 5:3-5.)

For Your Holy Spirit makes strong even the weakest – chasing away the night.

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riding solo in a car

She lays in bed tonight watching YouTube videos raging from trailers to comedy to music – quietly wishing for a long car ride.

There’s a juxtaposition of silence and sound in a car.  The wind blowing, the music blaring, the damn air condition fussing… crafted by a silence of being alone.  (If she sings at the top of her lungs, she knows her neighboring car driver will only see her lips moving but will not hear the possible off-key.)

You see no matter how loud the noises sound, the silence feels louder as her thoughts pound themselves out.  Hitting, bruising and escaping the inside… they beg to render into the silence of sound.

“You do some good processing in the car, don’t you?”  He asks.

A small smile covers her lips as the dots meet.

“I do,” she can’t help but say, maybe realizing this for the first time.

How can she deny the vibrant power of a solo ride?  Trapped in a vehicle with the noises within?  All she can do is finally confront them.  There are no distractions – even the music drowns under the volume of her mind.

happy anniversary

I have officially reached the four-year mark!

I cannot believe I’ve been writing on WordPress for the past four years.  I know it’s true but it’s a little surreal considering how many of my thoughts have slipped through and onto this blog.

It’s been a fun time!  I love how easy it is to look back and read the thoughts of a four-years-younger self of mine.  Seeing how much I’ve learned (and let’s be honest, maybe how much I haven’t?).  But no!  It’s been a great journey of becoming a woman and getting better at something I love.

For the readers out there who have taken the time to read anything I’ve written: thank you!

And let’s hope, this writers block will lift and leave me alone soon!

i like to feel songs

There are two songs dominating me at the moment.

1901 sung by Birdy and I Can’t Make You Love Me sung by Bon Iver.

They are deep, soulful.  Songs about heartache.

A funny concept.

We all have heartache.  It’s constant and it’s strong.  Often about things or people.  And normally, most of us hide this ache.  We pretend it’s not there and go about our day.  Try to live life to the fullest, but perhaps feel we’re just a waste.  Or wish we had this deep heartache lovers write about in their songs.  We ache to feel ache.  We listen to songs hoping for inspiration.

And when I close my eyes and listen to these songs, I feel the ache.

I may not have the same problem addressed in the song, but I understand it.

Listen: [ Birdy ] or [ Bon Iver ]

this world we live in

“It’s hard living in this world,” she said, her voice frail and barely a whisper.

“Why do you say that?”  I replied.

She was silent for a while.  Her face lifted and her eyes met mine.

“There’s so much controversy.  People either work and hate working or they don’t and hate not working.”  She paused, a frown knitting her brows together.

“No one ever seems satisfied.”

I scoffed at her.

“That’s because no one ever is,” I told her.

rambling words after midnight

Sometimes, I think words come in the most beautiful moments.  In times when my heart races or when tears are ready to stream down my cheeks.  These are times I wish to utter my thoughts but can’t bear the fearful revelation.  Moments in time when I feel scared or wish not to draw more attention to myself.  I realized years ago, I don’t like to let people see me cry.  It has happened, and most of the time it feels good someone has seen, but often I wish not.  I don’t want anyone to see the tears roll down or the hurtful words I express about how I may feel.  I’d rather cry in silence than give one the privilege of having seen me vulnerable, broken, lost, confused.  I would rather lock myself away, than later understand I have let others see my heart.  Mostly because I’m sure my heart is not always completely truthful.

Rather raw and exposed to light it does not know how to handle.

after the storm

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

– ‘After the Storm’ by Mumford and Sons

I’m stuck on this song, this chorus.  Seriously.  Since Friday night, I’ve been putting the song on repeat.  I’ve tried to stop and listen to another song, but there’s no use.  I’ve got to see this through, play this song and let it embed me.  The lyrics are so powerful.  They strike my heart each time I read them.  Smacking me across the face and gently stroking my hair.  I want to sit and sing and play and get lost in the words.  Stay within the bounds of repetition.  I mean, what do I even address first?  I can’t seem to separate one line from another.  I want to comment, but I don’t know how to begin.  Other than say, imagine when love finally embodies us.  When we become as the Bible has said.  How perfect love casts out fear.  I see love as so powerful, so strong, we struggle to let go, but imagine a love which doesn’t break.  Rather it overcomes.  The fears are put aside and forgotten.  Lost because love has won.  And so, I get over the hill – my barriers.  I find something new as I overcome.  I find grace in my heart and flowers in my hair.  I find life full of courage.  Ugh.  This song is so beautiful.