as the song goes: would you lie with me and just forget the world? (maybe this post is all over the place but it’s kay)

Processed with VSCO with f2 presetMom and I traveled down to Athens this week to stay with my great aunt for a few days. She’s 84 and life isn’t really too kind to those whose age is a high number.

Three days, no wifi. Ooph, it was hard! My millennial self struggled. I can’t say I was missed but being online is a daily routine my habitual self didn’t know how to live without. I mean, obviously, I cheated a couple times! I went to a nearby coffee shop to check my social media and put in a couple job applications. Satisfying that compulsion to feel connected through the interwebs.

I discovered there are benefits to this disconnect though…

My great aunt, Irene, reminds me of my grandma. They’re sisters (after all), three years apart, both relatively short women who married tall men. They share a similar spunkiness, a tendency to keep their fridges full, and both very kind hearted. Their commonalities are strong, and sometimes I wonder if when I get older people will say the same for me and my sisters.

But, grandma passed away 10 years ago… and aunt Irene has been not a substitute but a nice reminder of her sister.

Anyways, yesterday, as aunt Irene woke up from her nap, I ended up getting in bed with her to snuggle. It was an action that ended up surprising us both. We enjoyed it a lot and each time I got up for a moment, she’d call for me to come back. We spent a good hour and half laying there as she shared stories about when she was my age, about her sister, and about her late husband, Harris.

It was so neat to feel the world drift away and hear her talk. She told me about Harris and how he wanted to marry her from the moment he set his eyes on her. She lost him over 20 years ago and her heart still aches for him.

Love is this wild thing that I don’t know much about it. At least, not the “in love” part. I know about loving people and I try very hard to love people well, even if I don’t always succeed. But lately, I’ve thought about love a lot and about loving someone deeply and losing that person… and then what’s left?

A heart that’s broken, lost, and confused?

How do you ever move forward

How do you let go

The Christian answer in my head is: God will heal those wounds. And the thing is, he does… sure, but sometimes, I don’t think the whole pain ever leaves. Not really. It’s a thorn that remains in your heart, right? Or so it feels. A thorn that stabs you every day, even if its hollow and faint.

I just don’t think such a pain can ever truly, completely stop.

Perhaps because hearts are made to break. They are fragile and marked by their ability to feel – everything. So, sometimes, when they are shattered… those pieces can only attempt to recreate what they once were. It’s like when you break your ribs, right? Those bones can never heal as they were before but mend within their brokenness. They will create something new of which you are forever reminded that they were once deformed and now changed.

I don’t know, loving is hard but as I laid there listening to my aunt tell me story after story and share her hurt, here’s one thing I know: I’d lay on a damn bed any day with a person I care for and love, just to spend a few moments forgetting about the world.

Maybe that’s selfish, but maybe it’s not… Yet, maybe it’s just savoring those quiet moments that tend to be far and wide apart.

growing up

She wasn’t ready for time to pass by so quickly.

It leaves a wake trailing behind even as the dust settles underneath her toes. Glancing down she notices new scabs and bruises coloring her pale skin.

Hadn’t she just cleaned them yesterday?

Or was that the day before yesterday…

She blocks the sun from her eyes and takes one step forward. Sometimes, growing up means walking even when it hurts.

tomorrow said hello to sally

It’s easy for her to rush forward.  To try and solve it all before it happens.  She thinks she’s doing herself a favor, but she’s not.

She needs to take a step back.

Watch the ripples of water fall down the facet or see as the rays of sun rise from the earth.  Take in the little pausing moments of the days.  Notice how his smile twitches or how she says thank you.  Hold the little baby close and feel the beating heart of another soul.

Or even, stop and listen to her own breathing.  Feel the soft tempo of her being – set aside her thoughts that are too deep, full of worry beyond her strength.

Emerge life into her unyielding mind.  Remind it how when she was little she could sit for hours and talk to her imaginary friends:  Sally, Missy and Lilly.  It was fun then to just play.  Sit on her bottom and drink fake tea or wear her mommy’s clothing and shoes.

She didn’t perform then, not for anyone expect herself and it was fun.

She laughed at her own jokes even if they weren’t funny.

She didn’t think about tomorrow and perhaps, that’s when the rush began.  When tomorrow popped in and said hello to Sally.

Then without asking her, Sally began to believe tomorrow and tell her to think about it.

Did she know where she was going and what she was doing and what she would be wearing??

So many questions she didn’t know how to answer Sally…

Slowly, Sally, Missy and Lilly no longer asked her anymore questions because tomorrow took them away.  They where enslaved by their curiosity of what could come later.  What if they could do something to make tomorrow better?  Today, was not enough and so, tomorrow needed to be perfect.

Tomorrow is now her king and I just pray — YES, I pray, she remembers the little quiet things.

If she does, the rushing will stop.

She will come back.  She will find her rest and sit down and play.  She will no longer play with Sally, Missy and Lilly because she has grown up.

But also, she will have found herself again.

the real gold

We’re all searching for gold in a bare land, when the ground is hard and rough, but for some reason we don’t give up.  The idea – he might find it and I might miss it – drives us mad.

We can’t stop but we can’t keep going.

We’re all exhausted and I wonder when each one of us will realize how crazy we’ve become.  Nothing makes sense because our mind is distorted.  Hungry for more but lacking the food we search for since we’re doomed to find nothing.

Dry lands don’t hold anything for us, but we’ve forgotten how to look for the well.

If we’d only remember, then we’d find water and know that’s were the real gold lies.

the boy is shy

I walked down the stairs and he rushed up.  I knew he was shy, but I hadn’t realized how much.  I said hi to his sister and glanced back at the stairs, he lingered and then moved up a few.  My feet took me two steps away, he moved back down, but when he saw I didn’t go far he went back up.  I did it again, he did it again.  Finally, I realized, he wouldn’t come down till I left.

They say, “The boy is shy,” I only now, realize how much.