never mine to keep

She spoke quietly:

“I miss laying my head upon your chest, as I feel it

rise and fall; your breath steady but sometimes not.

Our legs intertwined, your arm around mine, your fingers gently brushing by.

You were warm, you were safe, but I suppose never mine to keep.”

 

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tomorrow

With heavy eyelids,
she sits and wonders about the world

The sound of music silenced by
the way her heart slowly beats

She’s done wrong,
and she’s done right

But maybe tomorrow, she’ll remember
all the things she’s forgotten

Maybe tomorrow,
she’ll wake with a smile on her heart.

i miss you tonight

It’s the type of miss I wish I could share.

Like back a few months when you’d say it and I felt my feelings get all giddy.

But no,
this one is the type of miss that bangs against my heart and scratches it to pieces. Why? Because it can’t be shared.

It stays hidden in my thoughts as tears fill my eyes and my nose gets all stuffy.

That’s the type of miss it is…
the one that hurts.

the way he looks at you

It ought to change things,

the way his eyes find yours and you stand a little uneasy, unsure. His look holds a small quiet promise that perhaps it’ll ignite something. That maybe, if he keeps looking at you and you keep catching his gaze, he’ll move toward you and say the things your heart longs for him to say.

But,

sometimes looks are just looks and they aren’t strong enough to move mountains.

you are good

in every season

when my heart breaks
when i can’t breathe because my chest feels tight
when the stars in the sky shine so bright
when the wind blows hard
when the rain pours down
when the storm is strong and i’m afraid i’ll get lost in the night
when the whispers of a man’s promise are broken
when i’m drowning in my own sorrow
when tomorrow seems so far away
when i say goodbye
when i won’t ever say hello to you again
when life doesn’t go as planned
when people steal, cheat, and lie
when people die
when people leave
when people break my heart
when people love me
when people hug me
when people remind me you are good
when the wait seems too long and too hard and too far away
when tears fill my eyes
when i lay awake at night and my thoughts flood my mind
when i’m happy
when i’m sad
when the sun shines through my window blinds
when the morning birds sing
when the train shares its loud deep try
when i lose what i want to keep
when i don’t get what i want
when he looks at me but nothing changes
when i feel alone and lost
when hopelessness pinches at my heart
when my mind can’t figure out how to let go
when my heart doesn’t want to let go of him
when i write and try to find my voice
when i find my voice
when i lose my voice
when the past haunts my mind and scares my future
when i don’t know who i am
when i don’t know what i want
when i don’t know how to move on
when i don’t love you well
when i’m mean, hurtful, hateful to those i love
when i don’t love well
when others don’t love me well
when i’m judgemental
when my insecurities take over
when the darkness falls around me and i decide i want to stay in its shadow
when you pull me out
when tomorrow’s promise is everything begins again but it all still feels the same
when i wake up and decide to be good, kind, loving to myself
when i learn how to love well
when i find the peace that passes all understanding
when i realize life may not be about being happy

but about your goodness.

growing up

She wasn’t ready for time to pass by so quickly.

It leaves a wake trailing behind even as the dust settles underneath her toes. Glancing down she notices new scabs and bruises coloring her pale skin.

Hadn’t she just cleaned them yesterday?

Or was that the day before yesterday…

She blocks the sun from her eyes and takes one step forward. Sometimes, growing up means walking even when it hurts.