and just like that: strangers

“From strangers to acquaintances to friends to lovers to trying to be friends to the in-between to strangers once more,” she said.

Her voice hollow, short, lost.

It didn’t seem fair that upon seeing him her body would shake, her mind would lose its focus, and her heart would hang there heavy. Reminded of the cruel reality this world sometimes offers as moving on.

It’s a haphazard – this thing they call a relationship.

Once she jumped in the only escape was falling and drowning. Whether it be from having to jump out or stay in. No option kept her from losing part of herself. Forever reminded of the feel of his hands upon her skin. Forever marked by his lips on hers.

Forever touched.

“Strangers,” she repeated. Hoping that if she said it one more time the truth wouldn’t hurt so much anymore, “Strangers.”

you can’t keep chasing what doesn’t want to be caught

The sound of her heart pounding rang through her ears. She halted, sweaty palms resting against her knees, as she took in a few deep breaths. She’d been chasing after it for months now. An endless game of tug-a-war. If she were lucky, she’d catch the end of its heel long enough to hold it for a little while. But alas, it grew clever and slick, and slipping out of her grasp was easy. She squinted her eyes, its shadow too far to see, and she realized then: “You can’t keep chasing what doesn’t want to be caught.”

tomorrow said hello to sally

It’s easy for her to rush forward.  To try and solve it all before it happens.  She thinks she’s doing herself a favor, but she’s not.

She needs to take a step back.

Watch the ripples of water fall down the facet or see as the rays of sun rise from the earth.  Take in the little pausing moments of the days.  Notice how his smile twitches or how she says thank you.  Hold the little baby close and feel the beating heart of another soul.

Or even, stop and listen to her own breathing.  Feel the soft tempo of her being – set aside her thoughts that are too deep, full of worry beyond her strength.

Emerge life into her unyielding mind.  Remind it how when she was little she could sit for hours and talk to her imaginary friends:  Sally, Missy and Lilly.  It was fun then to just play.  Sit on her bottom and drink fake tea or wear her mommy’s clothing and shoes.

She didn’t perform then, not for anyone expect herself and it was fun.

She laughed at her own jokes even if they weren’t funny.

She didn’t think about tomorrow and perhaps, that’s when the rush began.  When tomorrow popped in and said hello to Sally.

Then without asking her, Sally began to believe tomorrow and tell her to think about it.

Did she know where she was going and what she was doing and what she would be wearing??

So many questions she didn’t know how to answer Sally…

Slowly, Sally, Missy and Lilly no longer asked her anymore questions because tomorrow took them away.  They where enslaved by their curiosity of what could come later.  What if they could do something to make tomorrow better?  Today, was not enough and so, tomorrow needed to be perfect.

Tomorrow is now her king and I just pray — YES, I pray, she remembers the little quiet things.

If she does, the rushing will stop.

She will come back.  She will find her rest and sit down and play.  She will no longer play with Sally, Missy and Lilly because she has grown up.

But also, she will have found herself again.

the real gold

We’re all searching for gold in a bare land, when the ground is hard and rough, but for some reason we don’t give up.  The idea – he might find it and I might miss it – drives us mad.

We can’t stop but we can’t keep going.

We’re all exhausted and I wonder when each one of us will realize how crazy we’ve become.  Nothing makes sense because our mind is distorted.  Hungry for more but lacking the food we search for since we’re doomed to find nothing.

Dry lands don’t hold anything for us, but we’ve forgotten how to look for the well.

If we’d only remember, then we’d find water and know that’s were the real gold lies.

it’s too soon to be lost

I tried very hard to please you.

I spoke as I should and was careful with my words.

Until I got tired.

You reminded me of the shadows, told me to be quick.

You shouted with a victorious cry when you thought you’d won.

You belittled my mind.

And I wonder if it makes you happy,

when you make me small.

When you come out the winner, while I am the loser.

I know I do the same thing again and again, I repeat and take too long to explain… but I had hoped you’d be kind.

What happened to the vows?

I will love you in the good and the bad, in sickness and in health…. etc etc etc

Do I believe you lied?  No.

You promised me a promise I secretly wish you’d remember, but understand why you do not.

Maybe I’m not easy to live with.  Maybe I make life hard.  Maybe my mindlessness is not easy on you.  Perhaps, it’s my fault as well

for the hole we’ve stuck ourselves in.

I just wish we knew how to dig ourselves out.

the downfall

The room around her was small.  She wasn’t sure when it had gotten small, but the air felt less than before.  She could hear the pulse of her heart beat slowly, as she quietly sat in her spot.

She was afraid to move.

Afraid he would talk to her and she didn’t want to hear his voice.

She didn’t want him to come back to life.  She wanted him to stay still, not move a bone.

Because maybe, she would be able to live with herself if she could pretend nothing had happened.  Maybe tomorrow, she could stand up and walk out.  Maybe even, she could continue her life unfazed by the incident.

If only, he kept quiet.

For the moment a word came out of his mouth, would be the moment of her downfall.

this world we live in

“It’s hard living in this world,” she said, her voice frail and barely a whisper.

“Why do you say that?”  I replied.

She was silent for a while.  Her face lifted and her eyes met mine.

“There’s so much controversy.  People either work and hate working or they don’t and hate not working.”  She paused, a frown knitting her brows together.

“No one ever seems satisfied.”

I scoffed at her.

“That’s because no one ever is,” I told her.

momentary thoughts

Dear Jude, I woke today with a slap to the face.  I felt it hard and was dazzled by its effect.  At first, I wasn’t sure if I were dreaming or if I were truly awake.

I edged off reality and dropped into fantasy.  I pretend for a while that life wasn’t a bucket of shit with a bottle of wine and I felt quite merry.  I forgot about the slap and I moved on.

india

The silence haunted her hollow body.

She stood looking at his chair and picturing her father.  The hours had drifted by, she had felt hunger but ignored her belly groan.  She presumed he would be back here any time now.  After all, his favorite game would be on soon.  Perhaps, he decided to turn off the television and head to the bathroom.  He was probably stuck there with nasty business going on, she had convinced herself.  One thing her father did not need help with was using the bathroom.

Her arms were held tightly over her chest and she stubbornly decided to ignore that her father never turned the television off.  He’ll be back, shortly she kept thinking.  Stuck on a constant repeat.

And she would have stayed there.  She would have starved herself and deprived herself of life, just as he had been deprived.

“India…” his voice was gentle and quiet.

She did not respond however, her eyes were glued on the chair.  The armchair on which her father sat.  There was white hair on the dark fabric head rest.  The arm-resters were worn and turning white.  All around the armchair were crumbs of foods India never gave time to clean.  In fact, she avoided to go near his chair.  She had told him it was his duty to at least clean the area he lived by.  However, he never did and therefore, the floor was worn and dirty.

“India!”  His voice was sharper and he blocked her view.

A frown covered her features and India attempted to push the man out of her way, but he stood firm.

Eventually, her strength wore out and she let out a sigh.  Heaviness slipped out of her lips and she felt him hold her by her elbows.  Her body shook and tears rolled down her cheeks.  They were hot and thick.

“He’s coming back,” she gasped out, to him, “Danny, he’s coming.  It’s almost time, you know?”  She asked him, an attempted smile was given by her trembling lips.  “He wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“India,” Danny spoke in a gentle tone and then slowly, hesitantly asked,  “When does Pop ever turn off the television?”

“Oh god,” she choked in response.  The lifeless world around her taking root in her mind.  Losing all balance she felt her knees give up their determination and India whispered, “He’s gone.”

grace

His name is Jack.

He wants to be a lawyer but is afraid.  He’s not sure he’ll make the cut.  They like smart lawyers and he’s not sure he’s very smart.  In fact, he sometimes calls himself the Six-foot Dummy.  He’s not a fan of winning, but playing it nice.  He prefers to let another take a go at it than give himself the go.  He finds life complicated and unsure about explaining its logistics.  He spends most of his day reading, trying to learn all the basics and secrets he finds necessary to know.  However, he has a hard time remembering – therefore, he goes through everything twice.  Even women.  He hasn’t spoken to one in two months but his ma, sisters, and lady-friends (whom he doesn’t consider women).  A woman is a new person he hasn’t known for years.  He’s afraid of change and therefore, keeps a strict schedule: wake up, studying/class, two hours of social time and then a short read before bed.  He doesn’t get out much and hasn’t seen the sights of a bar in years.

You see he suffers from small self-esteem.

No one has been able to lifts his spirits in years.  No class or professor has given him the push he’s needed.  Or at least one he’d accept.

Until he met Grace.

Two months ago, she was the last woman he spoke to.  For a while, he was doing good.  He was meeting people and he was interviewing.  Jack was really excited because he was almost positive that he would be a real lawyer soon.  He even bought a new suit to celebrate.  (You see, when he gets excited about life, he buys suits.)

They celebrated by drinking champagne and getting slightly drunk.

Jack told Grace it wasn’t chance that her name was grace for she had brought some into his life.

Until the phone call arrived.

He didn’t get the job.  The man on the other phone broke Jack’s heart.  That day he stopped talking to Grace.  He no longer answered her phone calls.  When she appeared out of no where, he’d walk past her or ignore each word escaping her thin tight lips.

He regressed.

Jack hasn’t come out of his hole for two months and refuses to let anyone crawl in with him.