My day began with hiccups and perhaps, I should have foreseen it would end in the same way. After a long afternoon of mopping and then eventually, sobbing – I have realized (perhaps) my only cure is the written word.
Of course, I see a pattern to my ways. My poor blog serves as my avenue of venting for each change in my life.
SO what may that change be today?
Last August, I began a masters program in communications. Let me tell you, I ended my first semester with flying stars and an A. (Granted I was only taking one class… so that may have played into how well I did or maybe I’m just naturally an A student. I guess I’ll find out this semester!)
You can understand how much of a high, an A can bring to ones life, right? Okay, really, I am just happy I did better than I ever thought I would and here’s to hopefully a great second semester!
Well, my problem (& joy) began at the end of last semester (in December). When I was given the opportunity to take two steps out. Two steps to what I’d like to do in the future. What do these steps include? An up from one class to two classes & to teaching a freshman class myself. Let me repeat: I will be an instructor, with a class of 20 students, teaching freshmen COMM.
HELLO PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE PEOPLE CHRISTI HAS GONE WILD.
Me. You know, introverted Christi who hates speaking in front of people agreed to teach???
Yes, because that’s exactly how I see myself. Even though I am more than capable of doing the very thing I agreed to do.
So currently, I am trying to keep my heart from racing and I give myself pep talks like every two minutes. “You can do this Christi. Yes you can.”
Here’s the kicker… I can. I believe I can really do it. And that I will actually really enjoy it. But the problem is this: This whole first week of school and a new pattern of life begins tomorrow and I’m not ready. I’m not ready because just four days ago I said goodbye to my family and didn’t even realize it. Because four days ago, I returned to real adult life problems. Because even though, I choose the life I have, sometimes, it’s just hard and it makes me want to cry.
And change likes to come around and knock on my door when I’m not ready for it – even though I agree to it…??? Like, hello change you could be a little more convenient and give me more time to adjust to change.
Overall, I am afraid of failing this semester by not being able to manage all the commitments I have willingly taken upon myself. I want to do good, I want to succeed, I want to find joy in my daily life. I don’t want to be the best at it all, just be able to float above water.