good shepherd of my soul take my hand and lead me on

Wow.  Life gets busy, doesn’t it?  Since the end of May, I feel as if I’ve been on my toes with no realistic break.  My busyness has been so extreme that when I have a couple days to rest, I become a sloth.  I’d love to find a happy medium…. hopefully, I’ll begin to find a way to balance my life.

Yet, in the mist of the hectic life – loneliness still creeps around the corners.  I’m not sure why.  I have a full life at the moment.  I think (as of recent) I’ve gotten very used to being around people a lot, I’m a little apprehensive of being on my own.  Of discovering Christi once more.  I get that I need my time to myself.  However, as the winter sets in I worry for the days, of Christi sitting inside four walls.

It’s good though, I need to discover myself more.  I need time to rest.  To actually spend time with Jesus.  Who I talk to it seems often, but I don’t sit and spend time with.  Oh life you make my head spin.

But no, I love many aspects of my life at the moment.  One, I am very excited for December.  I get to go home!!  I am so happy.  It’ll be nearly two years since I’ve been in Greece and I can’t believe it’s coming.  Two, I have my own apartment.  Have I stressed that?!?  I have my own apartment!!! & when I moved in, I told myself:  I embrace the change, I embrace the lonely moments, I embrace the full and happy moments, I embrace the financial fear I often struggle with, I embrace the struggle and the joy and the pain and the loss and the discovery and the new life I expect to find in these next months.  I embrace it all and expect the world.  Yes, I expect to grow more and just continue to discover myself and the world around me.

I want all of it and I am so happy with where God has brought me.  With the home He has given me.  The roommates I get to live with.  He is so good to me.  He has always been so so good to my heart.  Oh my dear sensitive heart.

I spent this past weekend up north (ish), in Winona Lake for round two.  My grandpa passed away end of July and now it’s taking care of all he left behind.  It’s strange having him gone.  Partly because I don’t necessarily miss him.  It’s like he left a long time ago… so it’s not really that different.  However, I do wish I could spent one more evening with him here.  Holding his hand and listening to him hum or mumble or just move our hands up and down.  He was such a sweet man.  I know my view of him is skewed because I only remember him post-Alzheimer’s … but, he was sweet.  He always smiled when he’d see me and it always made my heart lighter.  He also generally seemed to sadden when he realized I would be leaving.  It was so hard though, because I never knew what to do with him… I guess, it’s those quiet moments I should have cherished.  I do miss seeing his gentle smile starting from the lips and lighting up in the eyes.

Driving home tonight… I left with a heavy heart.  I’m not sure when my next trip up will be.  Plus, I had to say goodbye to my dad.  He’s been here for about two weeks now.  It’s been such a blessing to see him again.  To spend a little more time with him.  Especially, seeing as I barely get to see my parents this much.  Oh how much I would love to have a normal relationship with all of my family members.  Maybe one day, God will bring us all near … in the same country … only two hours MAX away from one another.  Though maybe that day will come in heaven.

If you didn’t know, I titled this post after a lyric from a song, it’s called Shepherd by Bethel Music.  At first, I thought it said, “Good shepherd of my soul take my head and lead me home.”  It doesn’t make the best of sense with the world ‘head’ in it.  I really liked it as so too.  The idea of asking the good shepherd of my soul to take my head and lead me home felt so comforting.  However, when I read the ‘real’ lyrics, I decided they were just as good.  They are very motivational.  Yes, good shepherd of my soul please take my hand and lead me on.  :)

Ha!  Can you tell I haven’t really written for a while?  My thoughts are all over the place!

Ps.  I want to write on here once a week.  Please help me stay accountable?!?!!

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