a week of insecurity

On Saturday, I take my GRE tests for Graduate School.  

The worst part is how unprepared I am.  Two weeks ago, I decided I would start studying for this test.  I really wanted to give myself a chance to study.  To try to prove a general test is something I can comprehend and achieve well.  Let’s just say after working on my second practice test and doing a little more reading, I felt defeated.

I don’t want to go into details, but I felt like doing well on this test was almost impossible.

Please don’t bring up to me scripture or empty words of encouragement.  I know it all.  I know through Christ nothing is impossible.  I know everyone loves to tell me I will do fine.  Trust me, I want to do well.  I want it to be fine.  Yet, in the back of my mind, I also know my pattern with these tests and I don’t have a good record.

Anyways, since realizing that studying wouldn’t really help me, I fell into insecurity.

I got locked in jealousy, loneliness, bitterness, fear, joyfulness but then sadness – an up and down road which I have tried to conceal…. only to feel lost at night.  Keeping myself up late at night trying to drown out thoughts; waking up in the morning with not enough sleep.

It’s been this endless cycle of “what am i doing with my life?” “will my references actually write their letters?  what happens when we go down to three weeks?  then two… then one from deadline and none have submitted?”  “should i move from those i wanted to speak up about me to others?” “i am going to study tonight (lie)” an on and on.

It’s all there and it’s all been making feel stuck.  So ironic because Sunday services have been on feeling stuck.  The only problem is …. I don’t know how to move myself.  I’m so scared I’ve made wrong decisions.  I’m overwhelmed by this notion that each day this past week, I’ve woken up with emotions that just have gone up and down.  I feel like I’m all over the place and I don’t know how to collect myself back.  I’ve set myself up to failure and now, there’s no going back.  In two days, I’ll go in a center and take a test and hope to God I get accepted.

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