You know what’s scary?
Trying to write a post on your blog, which you’ve neglected for almost a month. Who’s guilty? Me.
I’ve been a bit lazy in my writing department. I’d like to credit this neglect to going through change and getting used to working, but who am I kidding? It’s way easier to be lazy than productive when I have the freedom to be lazy.
I don’t like admitting that I am not writing as much as I want. I could blame it on the naturally tendencies of life and how it gets in the way, but really, it boils down to discipline. It’s easier to be undisciplined than disciplined. Especially, when no one is keeping me accountable.
You’d think that since I haven’t been writing, it must mean I’ve been very social.
I have been and I haven’t been.
Lately, I’ve realized how there’s no way I’m a full introvert. Like tonight, I can’t stand being by my own. I want people. My only true experience of being a part of a huge group of people my age was last summer. During college, I was a drifter. I had a couple of friends from one group and others from others. Most of my friends, weren’t friend between themselves. I never seemed to glue in well or when I thought I did, I felt left out at the same time.
I’m going to blame this on my third-cultureness. Even though, I may seem like I get close to people, I don’t really. Not all the way.
Last summer, however, I got a glimpse of hanging with a group of people. Going out to dinner at night and spending money we shouldn’t. I didn’t know them all well but I didn’t need to yet. I had just meet them and in my mind, we still had so much time to become closer.
And frankly, I think since as long as I can remember that’s what I’m looking for and want. A group that accepts me and pulls me in.
A group with which summer nights we spend around a bonfire (even though, I’m not crazy about) or by watching a moving and staying up late talking.
I love my aloneness, but I love people so much. I just love loving them. Does that make sense? I like surprising them. I like making their day. I like putting a smile on their face. I will go out of my way for them, in every way, if they just let me. I just want to love them. I want to give up my time. I want to learn to love them as much as my Lord and Savior does. I want them to feel the love of Christ when I hug them. I want to be around them and learn from them – understand them through success and failure. I want them to teach me and I them.
I also want there to be no time different so I can call my family at night.
I guess, I’m homesick…. which isn’t good because it makes me think too much and get all sappy.
My point is … once upon a time I wrote a post here and declared myself as an introvert. However, these past two weeks, I’ve realized that’s not all I am. I am an extrovert as well. Who a lot of times my be tired as hell, but wants to be energized by people and not herself.