this is what happens when i spend too much time thinking…

You know, I daily get bombarded by my imperfections.

I guess we all do and this is old news.

But I don’t care.

Because.

I simply have to log on to Facebook or Tumblr or Pinterest – all three reminding me what I don’t have or wish to have or aspire to be or secretly long to do………

Most days, when I finally pry my eyes away, I feel a sense of sadness.

Please note how I didn’t use the word depressed.

Rather, I wrote sadness.  Yes, because each time I realize I am not doing something, I get sad.

It saddens me that I feel like I am missing out on life.

Meaning.

I’ve realized something today.  I love doing things.  I really enjoy being busy and having a busy schedule.  (Even though, I easily get overwhelmed.)  A part of me thrives on this busyness and it annoys me how I haven’t been very busy for a while.  I see life getting busy soon, but I keep wondering, why not now?

I want to do things.  I want to look at my life and be proud of the things I have done.  Not only work wise but adventure wise.  I guess, my mind glues on the days when life is slow and forgets how easily it gets busy.

I forget feeling joy, so fast.

It scares me really.

Recently, I’ve began believing that I see the world through a melancholic point of view.  My lense is full of relationships trapped in sadness and radiating my own fear of being trapped in one.

Gosh, it’s so crazy how some days I want a relationship and other days, I’m petrified of the idea of marriage.  What if it goes wrong?  What if one day I wake up and feel trapped and lost and married to a man who is harsh and rude and cold?  I’m so sensitive I fear utter destruction.

Not to mention, I am not as innocent as I may seem.

And here I remember God’s grace.  I stop this nonsense fear because His grace is sufficient for me.

Truly it is.

Yet, I observe relationships, okay?  They aren’t easy.  Men are not kind to women – no they are harsh and pay no attention to them.  Women exasperate their men – expecting the world and looking for a hero in them.   It pains me to be in the presence of a hurting or broken marriage.  Seriously, I often feel physically wounded, my heart hurts.

But.

In my mind, I know I can do all things through Christ’s who strengthens me.  I believe that I believe this truth.   However, the problem lays with my heart.

It’s stubborn and doesn’t like to listen to reason.

Making me very thankful that I have both a brain and a heart to wage war against each other.  I cannot imagine living with just one or the other.  I would not be the person I am.

This brain of mine constantly reminding me who I am living for and why.

Therefore.

My problem does not lay with the media I indulge in, but in my priority.

Each time I click on a photo or long to be noticed for my words, I am living for the praise of man.  Just like any artist, I want people to notice me, I want feedback so much it hurts.  I desperately try to keep myself from fishing for attention, but behind this smile I ache to be noticed and to be encouraged.

I’m just being truthful.

Which reminds me, I’m not good at giving others the shining light….. either.  Perhaps true happiness lays there: giving praise instead of needing to receiving it.  Learning to love myself, while loving the other.

And.

To you my reader, who has stuck through my whole contemplation, I say thank you.

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