the moment when everything goes still

And you know, it’ll either end up being terribly catastrophic or miraculously sound.

I remember them saying, all of them saying – oh how I remember them saying.  I jump when motorbikes come by me now.  I worry the moment I see them.  Oh, they make me edgy now.  I felt nothing.  I saw nothing.  They were just the same.  Motorbikes riding by the street.

Motorbikes doing what they do best.  I can’t look at them differently, my parents ride them all the time.  I can’t feel that fear.  No no no.

But today it zoomed by and I felt my heart race.  That’s why he died, I thought.  Never minding to utter a word as I rode in the car.  I still feel the hype in my bones.  How my heart shook by its speed.  I watched it until it disappeared.

And then I forgot.

Only to remember the feeling hours later, when a car to our left stopped suddenly.  We were in between a car and a truck.  My dad pressed the breaks and quickly drove between the two.  I felt my heart stop for a moment.  A nervousness rise in my whole being and the motorbike came back to my mind.  Along with the long ago accident.

Nothing terribly catastrophic happened today, but each held miraculously sound results.  I remember that night in Traverse City.  I remember my numbness.  I still feel numb.  I still feel lost in a cloud of my emotions and feelings.

I wait for that moment of utter silence – when all truth will be revealed.


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