it’s incredibly late and i’m incredibly emotional because i haven’t slept in almost two days

I can’t breathe.

The choke of worry is tighter than it should.  I’m scared, afraid and stressed.

Everything about the future leaves me staggered.

Soon I’ll get a good night rest and my mind will finally function correctly.

I’m not ready for Kali to get married.

Growing up is so hard.

I want to be a grown up, but all the responsibilities leave me overwhelmed.

Right now, I don’t want to be home and I don’t know why.  Maybe because I feel like I no longer fit in here.  I’ve changed so much that I’m not really Greek anymore.  I feel like I don’t relate.  I love the Greek language, but it feels foreign on my lips as at times I stumble to find the right word.  Or the pestering question of: what am I going to do here?  I fear being jobless and doing nothing.  I fear endless days.  I fear being a burden.  I fear feeling like I’m just complying to the needs of what others want me to do.  I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I know I want to love people as best as I can, but what does that even mean?  What does it look like?

I don’t want to feel like I’m trapped in a cage in which no exit seems right.

Then, I fear returning to the States.  Responsibilities.  Finding a job.  Sure I was told I’d be hired at the coffee shop, but what if that doesn’t work out?  I know my parents will help me out, but I should learn to pay my own bills, right?  I can’t live off them.  They’ve already paid more than they should.  I hate how money freaks me out.

I can’t believe Kali will be married in three weeks.  My little sister.  For some reason it’s harder to let her go than Gina.  Perhaps, because I’ve always made it my responsibility to look out for her.  To protect her.  It won’t be my responsibility anymore and it hasn’t for a while.

Every scenario in my head sounds too intense.  Too much for me to bear.

All the haughty lies – these stupid stupid lies.

I hate how big, yet small this world is.  I hate how long the journey from America to Greece and from Greece to America is.  Sometimes, like tonight, I wish my family wasn’t scattered around the world.

I just want the tears to stop.

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