oh for the love of money

Today was a day of slight stress.

I looked at my savings account, did some calculating (with the assistance of a calculator) and felt a tight squeeze around my heart.  This smidgen of worry stayed throughout my day.  A feeling I was not happy nor wanted to carry with me.

I don’t like the holds money has on me nor the concern in relation to how much I might have.  Especially, because I have been blessed beyond words in the world of money.  I am not poor nor anywhere near being poor.  In fact, I am rich and wealthy, in many ways.

And even though I shouldn’t worry, I do.

I’m not fond of this feeling because it makes me doubt.  And doubting is not a particular favorite thing of mine.  I like certainty and feel confidant.  I suppose, I like security and knowing what my next step looks like.

Even as I type those words, I feel utterly and completely silly.

Not even a week ago some dear friends of mine prayed for me.  They gave me words and encouraged me.  Ryan told me how I like to have things all planned out and know my pathway, but it’s basically not going to work like that.  God’s going to clear my path one step at a time.

This is all so funny, because I talk about living in my present, but yet I worry so much about my future.  I always have.  Plans make my head dizzy and they make me wonder if I am making the right ones.  Other people’s plans for me make me stress even more, because what if I don’t want to do what they want me to do?  I’ve learned to say no, but sometimes it’s so hard.  Actually, some times it’s even hard to follow through with my own plans.  To have the courage to step out.  Into the unknown.  How terrifying and beautiful.  The unknown.  The wilderness.  John was there and so was Jesus.

Oh dear.

I just hate the feeling money has on me.  How it grips my heart.  Time to stop telling others to trust God and trust Him, myself.  One step at a time – that’s all He’s asking from His daughter.

So stinkin’ hard when His daughter is such a curious one.  Actually, how about we go with the word inquisitive.  I love it so much more and it sounds so pretty!

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