when the heart breaks

Today, the gthop staff had a meeting at 3pm.

I enjoy these meetings.  Mostly because they challenge me as a person – a lot.  They challenge me because I am still learning new things about how the God works.  I was not raised in a Charismatic (lets call it) environment.  I don’t always understand the ways the Holy Spirit moves, and truthfully, I am at peace about this reality.  I don’t feel like I has to know.  In fact, most of the time, I am pleased with just knowing God loves me.  I pursue His Spirit but I don’t expect big and mighty responses because I enjoy the small ones He sheds in my direction.

I’m challenged because I feel like all the other staff members know something I don’t.  Either way, it doesn’t matter.

Today was an odd day.  I was present with everyone and everything, but it felt like my mind was absence.  It was absence while Nigel shared part of his story – when others laughed, I didn’t laugh as much as maybe I should have.  I don’t know, sometimes I feel like we laugh at pointless things.  Perhaps that is the beauty of laughter however.  And at the end of the night, when the clock hit around 8pm and GTHOP was done for the day, I knew the worship had been good.

Actually, I even wrote it in my journal.  I wrote (something over the lines): “Tonight was really good, I know it was good – but my head wasn’t here, I didn’t feel it.  I’m not sure where it was.”  All day, my head has been somewhere and I don’t know where.

All this to say, Nigel said something that stuck with me.  He said that the years before he became a Christian he was an Atheist.    He shared how he had two Malaysian buddies who would talk about Jesus to him and he didn’t mind hearing them.  Nigel had a problem believing God existed because of one thing.  He said, “How can a God allow something like the Holocaust to happen?”  Something so terrible and dreadful.

Want to know what else is terrible and dreadful?  When a heart breaks.  I know I shouldn’t compare these two, but as I’ve sat here thinking how to write what I am thinking – Nigel’s question as a 16/17 year old boy popped into my head.

A heart breaking is perhaps the deadliest of things.  It’s dark and ugly and allows hate to leap in.  All of which serve as a deathly poison.

I personally am not experiencing a heart break but I feel like my heart has felt that numbness all day.  I didn’t pay close attention to my short attention spam or my fidgety self.  Honestly, I didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong with me today.

I think my heart was experiencing bits of what I would come face-to-face tonight.

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