to find the right words…

Have you ever felt the touch of a kiss?

On your cheek?

A kiss soft and gentle and kind.  One you might happily receive by a father or mother.  Those dear loving kisses only a close and intimate person could press up against your cheek.

I received a gift this week – I suppose, actually, I’m still receiving gifts.  They probably will never end, because a giver loves to give.

I’ve sat in this silly coffee shop / bookstore place for hours now.  I haven’t known how to start or how to share.  I still don’t know.  I still don’t understand what switch changed and how.  I know something changed and that I admittedly will work on keeping it changed, but I can’t explain what has happened.

One thing I know for sure, I will discover this change through writing.  Or at least, I want to discover what has happened through writing – letting my thoughts flow.

Going back to the kiss and why it was said – I know in the church people often talk about receiving kisses from Jesus and feeling them.  I’d like to use it metaphorically.  This last week when I was at the International House of Prayer (IHOP), I was kissed by Him who made the whole journey come together.

It’s weird, because just about a couple weeks before the trip I told Him how I wanted to do some traveling with friends.  To do a road trip.  And it happened.  I never imagined it would.

I feel like I grew in confidence and joy.  It feels like everything has come together.  I knew this time in my life would be big and God would do something amazing – which I feel like more is still to come – but even as I knew that, I could have never expected what I have received.

When I moved up to Traverse I was petrified, I was sad and not ready.  The trip up came too soon.  My heart felt unsettled and restless.  All these doubts troubled my mind.  They shouldn’t have because I’ve gone through this before and I know how much good change has done to every part of me.

And so much good has come.

I’ve grown in confidence, in wanting to delight myself in the Lord.  I don’t feel that burning desire of marriage anymore, because I know that cannot be the most important value in life.  I’ve grown up believing the only thing I really want in life is to be married and have children.  To live life and share it with another, but as I’ve sat at God’s feet and have sought His face, I’ve realized the desires of this world cannot drive me.  Man, woman and children cannot hold my being.  I don’t want them to because in the end, we all fade and become like the grass, wither and die.

I was reminded and encouraged of this passion I hold and desire to heal.  I haven’t been able to put this desire into words in the past, but I so long to help people collect their broken pieces and restore their being.  To bring the scattered together.

I guess the thing that scares me is that I know I need to lead, but I don’t want the responsibility.  I don’t want the weight of the responsibility that follows.  The hurt of others not agreeing or the criticism that might follow.  The burden of knowing that others listen when I speak.

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