to fix it all

I don’t know when I got here.

How and when did my heart begin to understand and feel the pain of others?  Is it truly as tendered hearted as it feels?

I woke up today and on my chest lay a burden.  I felt the weight, but only acknowledged as I ate my banana and peanut butter breakfast, and stared out the marvelous view of our living room window.  At first I ate with no fault, but slowly my mind began to slow itself and stillness set in.  And then, there it was.  Some might say — the elephant in the room.

I didn’t leave my apartment before telling two of my roommates.  I told them “my heart feels heavy,” and not only for my own self and fears, but for many.  I could just feel the weight of stress, anxiety, and worry about the future build up.  We are young, early-twenties things… to decide our future, well — it leaves us paralyzed.  We trust God, but the mind can be a powerful tool of doubt and fear.

I have complete faith in Him and His promises over my life.  I just doubt my decisions.

The day moved on… somehow.  The burden never left.  As a cloud hanging in the sky it draped my heart and refused to go.  Though, I never asked it to leave.  I lived a day – still am – with a heavy heart.  I don’t consider this a bad burden or heaviness — slowly it’s grown to be an awareness.  People are struggling, one must understand and intercede – I think.

Anyways, it all escalated.  The feeling grew when I talked to a friend.  A part of his dream has been ripped from him.  When he finally expressed his anger – my heart was aching for him.  I could feel his pain, but there were no words.  There are never words when life comes to this point, where the future appears to be the scary monster and I am reminded how fallen this world truly is.

In the mean time – in my silly virtuous mind – I wish I could fix it all.

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