I don’t know when I got here.
How and when did my heart begin to understand and feel the pain of others? Is it truly as tendered hearted as it feels?
I woke up today and on my chest lay a burden. I felt the weight, but only acknowledged as I ate my banana and peanut butter breakfast, and stared out the marvelous view of our living room window. At first I ate with no fault, but slowly my mind began to slow itself and stillness set in. And then, there it was. Some might say — the elephant in the room.
I didn’t leave my apartment before telling two of my roommates. I told them “my heart feels heavy,” and not only for my own self and fears, but for many. I could just feel the weight of stress, anxiety, and worry about the future build up. We are young, early-twenties things… to decide our future, well — it leaves us paralyzed. We trust God, but the mind can be a powerful tool of doubt and fear.
I have complete faith in Him and His promises over my life. I just doubt my decisions.
The day moved on… somehow. The burden never left. As a cloud hanging in the sky it draped my heart and refused to go. Though, I never asked it to leave. I lived a day – still am – with a heavy heart. I don’t consider this a bad burden or heaviness — slowly it’s grown to be an awareness. People are struggling, one must understand and intercede – I think.
Anyways, it all escalated. The feeling grew when I talked to a friend. A part of his dream has been ripped from him. When he finally expressed his anger – my heart was aching for him. I could feel his pain, but there were no words. There are never words when life comes to this point, where the future appears to be the scary monster and I am reminded how fallen this world truly is.
In the mean time – in my silly virtuous mind – I wish I could fix it all.