letter to jesus

Jesus,

What a year this has been.  (Speaking in the context of a school year.)  I am still amazed by the swiftness of time and the change of pace in my life, and simply with life in general.

Am I deserving of this life you have given me?  Many times I have wondered why you have chosen me and not the girl next door.  However, even as the thought was processed now and asked, I know the response.  You have chosen the girl next door.  The ways in which You will use her are different from mine.  There is no reason to dwell on the “why’s” or “how’s.”  No, rather, the only time I have is to say yes and move along–keep on the path You have placed me on.

You know, sometimes (well, probably most of the times) I get caught up in the future.  Not so much in the past, but the future and the perceived future, I believe, You have for me.  I have neglected over and over again to live in the now.  Enjoy Your works today.  Seldom have I been able to do so–and yet, each time I have, the joy is incredible.  My life has been more full when I am focused on today.  When I love for today and not tomorrow.  When I tell myself, everything will be due in good time.  No need to worry, no need to shed tears.

Of course, though, the moment I begin to dwell on tomorrow, my heart sinks.  Immediately, I have lost any sort of battle I hoped to win.  I have given in and said yes to defeat.  For it is defeat when I choose to hope and delight more in the future than in the present.  You have blessed me with my breath today and I look for tomorrow, that does not even exist yet.  My silly restless soul.

I say, “I’ll incorporate that in my life later.”  Hmmm, has later even ever come?  Or am I always saying tomorrow.  I worry for tomorrow and then I place more burdens on tomorrow.  Then when tomorrow comes I am consumed with the “worries” I had, instead of changing what I had wanted to change.  As if that even makes sense.  Yet–it does.  Somehow.

Worshiping You through music overwhelms my heart Lord.  I want my heart to be continually moved by this type of worship.  I want to lose myself in lifting Your name in song.  All I want to do is sing praises to You.  Worship You, Jesus.  Love Your through song.  I loved it beyond anything I can comprehend.  Day and night my heart desires to delight in You.  Spend time with You.

I know this may all sound sappy, but Jesus you lifted me up this year.  I was drowning, but you lifted me up.  You prompted me to speak, to give things up, and you took me deeper.  You taught me and instructed me.  There were times when I thought the cloud of invisible darkness would stay forever, but You’ve lifted it and brought me joy. I want to be joyful in the mourning.  I want to delight that You came and saved me.  You know me and love me.

You are the chief among ten thousand.  The fairest of the sons of men.  Jesus You are dazzling and excellent.  I will praise You.

Day and night I delight in You.

Day and night.

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