the mystries of life

I’m not sure how to specify exactly, but something is on my heart right now.

I want a fire.  I want intimacy. I want to see His eyes.  To behold His beauty.  When I spend days off adrift doing other things, when night falls, my heart yearns for more than this simply taskful life.  It’s like the pleasures of this world, in the end, feel empty and unfulfilling.  I used to stay up late because I could, especially this semester.  However, now, I just want to stay up and give my heart to Him.

I know a billion people can probably read this blog.  Most of the time, I wish no one could–yet secretly, my hope is for people to read and be encouraged.  I know I am dysfunctional because how could I ever want two things at once?  I have no idea.  Though, I do.  I fear that when I don’t put my words out, that the thoughts will remain and consume my mind.  I hate the consuming time because as the thoughts and words, that should be written down but are not written down, consume my mind it’s like I can do nothing else but keep thinking of the same thing.  I stay up late at night because a thought floods my mind.  I must write it; sometimes, regardless if it’s personal.  The words must be written.  Seen before my eyes, so my mind can rest and be at peace.

No place would I rather be, but here in Your love.  Here in Your love.

I am deeply afraid.  I know in my last post I spoke a little bit about my false perception of “knowing” what will come.  I’m not sure why I even try, because clearly, I have no idea.  I like to play god and say I do, sometimes, but usually, I find out I know nothing.  Either way, I am deeply afraid of going about being at a college next year.  Of losing the companionship I have with my sister at the moment.

You know, I never thought things would go like this.  When I was little I expected my younger sister to follow both my older sister and I to College.  You see, I was scared of the dark and sleeping by myself, and when I was asked what I would do when Gina and Kali were no longer–I always had the perfect answer.  I would say, “Well, now we live in the same house and all is good.  Then when I go to College, I will live with Gina and then when she leaves, Kali will come and I’ll live with Kali.  I’ll be perfectly fine because they’ll always be one of the two with me.”  Then of course I was always pushed a little farther and asked about after College.  My answer, “After College I’ll be married and I’ll sleep with my husband.  I won’t have to sleep alone or be in a room by myself.  All will be well.”

No place would I rather be, but here in Your love.  Here in Your love.  Sooooo set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain and I control.  I want more of You, God.  I want more of You.

For a while before I can to College three years ago, I got over my fear of sleeping alone.  I don’t care for darkness as much anymore, but the effects and fear it caused me as a child, no longer exist.  I have grown, become my own person.  God has shown me over and over again that I can manage alone, because He is always there.  My faithful guide and loving Father.

Let’s just say I never gave Him space or room to work.

Now, Gina’s about to graduate and marry–leave and go to England.  Kali’s engaged and living in Greece–far far away, I doubt we’ll be in the same place soon.  And I?  Well, I’ve decided to not claim I know the future anymore.

Set a fire down in my soul, that I can’t contain and I can’t control.

The mysteries of life lie in Adam.  God saw that he was lonely and gave him Eve.  I will miss my companionship and close relationship with my sister.  I will miss how we both care for each other.  I will miss her knowing what I need when I need it.  I will miss her directing me to God.  I will miss having her around.  Just like I missed Kali when I first came here.

Luckily I will not have to say goodbye to God.  My intimacy with Him.  I love the way I am moved to tears when I tap into worship with Him.  When my heart is moved and I know that He knows every bit of my heart.  He knows my fears, my hopes, my every need.  I love the closeness and His gentle heart.  He knows.

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