caught in somewhere land

I haven’t had anything to say.

I have tried to think of something to write,  but nothing has come.   Nothing freely at least.  My thoughts have been crying to be written out, but I haven’t wanted to.  I haven’t wanted to confess a thing.  I hate being negative or being unhappy.

But I have been.  Ever since July.  Yes, I have been unhappy.

I’m confessing, please don’t make me feel bad for doing this, but I need to write out my feelings.  My darn feelings that control so much of me.  God, please help me.  This week, I’m reading The Sun also Rises by Ernest Hemingway.  The main character, Jake Barnes, said something I would like to share.  He said, “It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing.”

How about a small close reading on that, yeah?  Barnes is talking about suppressing his unhappiness in the day.  He’s talking about being able to conceal all he truly feels when it’s light outside, but at night.  Well, at night it all changes, doesn’t it?

Psalm 30:5b says, “Weeping my tarry in the night, but joy comes with the morning.”  Well, for me, there’s been ‘weeping’ (I haven’t  been crying) and then stress in the morning.  I sleep up feeling unhappy about things and then wake up stressing out about my homework.  No joy.  I have no excuse, but I want closes with God.  I want to be joyful in trials.

Last night… around 2 am, after watching a moving I just couldn’t sleep, I knelt at the bottom of the bed.  Honestly, I always find praying at the bottom of the bed a cliché…. I mean, all movies always show people doing that, I never thought it was something I should do.  But i did.  I prayed.  I spoke to God.  Then… I was actually able to sleep.  My heart was calm, I slept in peace and then I woke up.  I can’t remember if I felt stressed or not, but either way, I took things slow.

Today, I went for a walk.  In a sweatshirt and flip-flops… stupid idea, because it was like 53 degrees and it was cold.  Haha, but I walked and prayed some.  It was good.  I enjoyed it.  Since school has started it has been hard for me to get myself to read my Bible, I’ve been reading so much that I don’t want to read anything else than what I have to.  So… I’ve decided to pray.

I’m going to pray God continues to work in my heard, because I know He is.  He’s my father.  He’ll never leave my side.  I know this.  I’m not going through anything bad.  Just pray my heart is soften.  Pray, I find life full and work to fill it with God’s love.  Pray, I don’t get overwhelmed by reading and papers.  Pray I mix up my day and don’t have a routine.

I want You Lord.

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