just too much

I hate this time of year.  I hate packing up everything I own and moving it someone’s house.  I just hate packing so much.  My room is a mess and I have too much clothes… not of which I can give always.  Always the stupid thought: I might need this.  BUT I DON’T.  I just cannot give anything away.  I hate this.

No going to lie, this week has been crazy.  Somehow I managed not to freak out too much.  I didn’t want to be one of those people who was completely stressed out.  I kept it in, for the most part.  I just kept saying: I have so much to do.  I haven’t studied yet.  I kept talking about having 3 finals today, honestly, hoping for pity.  Yet, by God’s grace, I survived through all my finals and believe I have done quite well.

I’m just… I don’t know.  Worried.  So much for camp.  I know I want to work there, but I’m scared.  I know I’m afraid of going to new places alone (at least the idea of doing alone) and have a hard time branching out.  But it’s just around the corner.  Do I always have to pretend to be strong and act I’ve got it all together, when I don’t?

I wish I had a home close by.  I do have extended family, but things would be completely different if my family was here.  My sister wouldn’t have to worry about making sure we packed everything in boxes (sadly, I’m one of those people who can’t pack up everything completely).  I just don’t want to leave half of my clothes and live of some again this summer.  Picking and choosing which ones I like more and then never wearing some, only because I don’t have them with me.

My room is a mess.  I don’t know how I’ll get it under control.  I don’t want to pack anymore.  I’m scared about camp.  I know I shouldn’t, so please don’t tell me about trusting God, I’m trying to.  I’m ready to be home… in a way, no one probably understands what I mean.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want to go to camp or have regretted my decision.  I just wish… things were different.  I always wish my sister would pick up the phone.

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