bad habit

I have this bad habit & it’s hard to admit.

I have this habit of often feeling as if I am not loved. I feel it in vibes and it depends how tired I am. Yet, the feeling is often there.

I don’t know why, because I grew up in (at least I consider it to be) one of the most loving families in the world (yes, I am biased). My parents loved me, my sisters loved me, my grandparents loved me, my aunt & uncles loved me, my cousins loved me. & yet, many times I would end in this stage of feeling unloved.

I don’t understand. God is so many scriptures shows his love for me. Why does it seem like I am never satisfied with the love he has to give me? I seek and want to know him more. I want to grow closer to him. I want to feel God’s love ALL around me. I want him to be the main focus in my life and kick all the distractions away. How wonderful would it be to just be able to worship God day and night? I’d like to do that one day. Spent the whole day just worshiping him. In song, prayer, reading, listening. It would be glorious.

Mom says… when I think words that just bring me down, those are from the devil. I agree. Yet, somehow… his nifty little lies come to my ear & I listen. Lord help me to keep your words in mind. Keep me from listening to the devils lies! Here I am, trying to write in words feels. Hah. I feel as if that is near to impossible. I feel like so long I’ve been a closed book… it’s quite hard to open me up! How does that work?

What is love… ? “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.” 1 Cor. 13. I like how the Bible describes love. By telling us what it is not, it gives us an idea of what it is.

The dictionary says… “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; sexual passion or desire; a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.” Eh, this meaning is alright, I suppose.

Dear heavenly father,

I’d like to stop feeling this way. I don’t like it and you know that. Your love is so wide and deep, so filling and amazing, so precious and glorious. I’d like to get lost in your love. From this day forth I’d like your love to be wrapped around me that it will be all I see and feel. Just let your perfect love come and wipe away my fears. I love you Lord Jesus. Honestly, many times I have pondered and realized over and over and over again, my life would be so empty without you. Right now, I need you to refill my cup. Renew my strength. I’d like to run and not grow weary for a while and soar on wings like eagles. I’d like to learn to love others as you love them. To stop casting stones on people when I am with sin as well. Teach me to be satisfied in you. There are so many things I can thank you for. However, at this moment I’d like to thank you for my mom. Thank you for the woman you have made her and the wisdom in words she has. I pray a special blessing on her. Thank you for your love Father. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for your Son.

Amen.

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