the overwhelming feelings of emotion

“I’m a weeper.”  She said confidently.

Never in my life had I heard anyone proudly claim she or he was moved to tears easily.  She went on to say how the slightest things make her cry — things in relation to people.

And here I thought crying was a weakness.

Ever since hearing her say this, I’ve looked at crying in a different light.  Today, has been a day for slight weeping.  As my mother put it: bittersweet.  I know I am returning to a place I enjoy and love — but what I leave behind is costly.  For the next few months, I’ve left my family.  A group of people – who no matter what I say or do – will always love me for who I am.

To be honest, I’m very bashful about my tears.  I feel invaded if others seem me cry — as if I am being weak.

However, over time God is teaching me the importance of tears.  He wept when Lazarus was in the tomb.  I can’t say for certain about what exactly Jesus was weeping about — Lazarus’ death, Lazarus’ sisters, disbelief.  Yet, a big part of me believes Jesus wept because he was moved by those who he loved.  He cried for his dear ones, for maybe having lost something.  Jesus cried in relation to people!  Not only, he wept in front of people.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, mostly to myself, perhaps tears are not meant to be a secret.  Maybe healing – not only for the self – comes through tears.  Maybe joy comes through tears.  Maybe people are moved to love more by tears.  I’m not sure.

I am learning to accept that when I cry, I am not being weak — but perhaps, I am being stronger.

proverbs 25:2

it is the glory of God to conceal things,

but the glory of kings is to search things out.

and now to end this lovely holiday…

A night of thanksgiving:

Tonight, I drove back to school without my GPS.  I not only feel accomplished for my free-GPS drive (honestly, I don’t know why this was my first!), but also for enjoying my drive home.  Normally, one eye will be on the road while the other watching the time — keeping track how much time I’ve ‘won’ and how much I’ve ‘lost.’  My free-GPS drive brought a resounding enjoyment of the ride.  I was not concerned about how much time I had left and the drive didn’t feel as long, tiresome, or boring as it has been sometimes in the past.

Thanks to a Best Buy worker named Jon, I can now enjoy my CD player in my car once again!  For months now, I have gone stereo-less — prompting me to either sit in silence (which on long rides makes me tired) or use my iPod with headphones.  I looooved the headphone-less drive!  Plus, he was just great!  He came out and pulled the how stereo out and fix it — free-of-cost.  I don’t feel like I should have been surprised, but I was.  The whole drive back to my aunt and uncle’s, I drove in astonishment.  I’m not exactly sure why; however it seems, many try and take advantage of my ignorance toward certain things (concerning my car), I guess it was refreshing to have someone help me out without having any other strings attached.

Lastly, sometimes holidays remind everyone of what they don’t have and want they want.  An annoying edge I struggled with slightly this past week.  However, as I drove into the night, I came to realize I have so much to be thankful for — not only car related business!

I don’t know.  The drive was just refreshing.

november 12, 2011

For the past several months I have been wordless.

I haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to share.  Even now, I don’t know why I am writing.  I went as far as to tell people last night, “I hate writing.”  Why?

I think I’ve lost its beauty.

I’ve lost truly loving it and well, this loss has caused me to take a step back.

For the past month, all I have seen in myself is a sad broken girl who thinks she knows who she is and can articulate what she needs to fix.

For two days, I go through a terrible phase, run to Jesus pleading for Him to pull me out and then the happy day comes and I forget all my brokenness for a day.  But guess what?!  It comes back.  The brokenness comes again, stays for a while.  I cry and plead with God — manipulating Him.  Reminding Him I am His daughter, like the older brother did in the Prodigal Son Parable.  I bargain and ask for my share.  I remind Him, I have remained faithful to Him all these years.  Shouldn’t I, from all these other people, not feel broken?  I tell Him, “God, I don’t mean to be manipulated like the older brother — but please, just did this one thing I ask.  Please.  Don’t let me hurt anymore, answer my heart.”

All the while, refusing to believe so, I do try and manipulate.  I believe I deserve more than even His love that He pours out on me.

How can I love others if I don’t love myself?  I will only love them as I love myself, and if I don’t love myself well — then I can’t love them well!

I was talking to a friend yesterday and he told me the key is to love myself and be content with myself in order to move forward.  In order to see my sin, but not break myself over knowing I have sin.  Love my being — just like Jesus loves me.

He loves this sad little broken girl and He’s made her into a joyous big pure girl.

struck by the character of jimmy k.

“Do you have any cool games on that?”

Came a voice out of no where.  His presence filled the previous non-eventful atmosphere.  I sat on a couch with my cousin, Sarah.  The service at the church had just ended five minutes ago, we’d eaten our donut with quiet enjoyment, and I was giving her the down-lo on the definition of ‘coffeeshops’ in Amsterdam provided by yet another cousin.  Quite, frankly, I was cracking up by the idea of me actually visiting one of those crack, lets say, coffeeshops places.  I thought it was utterly hilarious I had been recommended to check it out — in a sense.

And so, he took me by surprise.  My cell phone was in my hands and his eyes couldn’t peel themselves away from looking at the tiny screen in the distance.  I let out a laugh, at first I didn’t think he was completely serious.

“Uh… maybe.”  Finally came my slow response.

“Can I see?”  He asked, desperate – it seemed – to know the answer, to ask his question.  I wondered how long he’d kept the question quite, wondering about the silent answer.

I let out another light laugh, a responsive shock — my cousin did the same.  The thought unbelievable bugged my mind, but I loved his presence.  I loved not having to sit there on that couch and wait for the rest of my extended family to be ready to go.  I don’t blame them, it’s their ‘home’ church — fellowshipping and conversing with others, is basically a necessity.  I understand, I just didn’t feel like waiting.

“Uh… sure–” I finally, replied after a while, clearing the screen of my small cell phone.  ”Just so you know,” I began wanting to clarify, “I don’t have anything fancy…”  I barely play games on my cell phone, expect sudoku.  It’s an easy one.

He edged closer to me and the cell, leaning on me.  I didn’t know this kid, but I just loved him.

“I’m gonna go get a donut!”  He spoke randomly and running off.  He was gone before I could even think.  I barely even heard what he said.

“Wait—is he coming back?”  I asked confused.  I had no idea what was going on.  This kid came out of nowhere and then disappeared…

“He said he was getting a donut.”  Sarah said.

We both laughed, his random approach and blunt questions brought life.  In my eyes, he had no fear — I admired him.

Then he was back, leaning on me, eating his donut and holding a cup of juice.  Boy went all out!

“What’s your name?”  I asked, curious.

“Jimmy K…”

“What is it?”

“Jimmy K…!”  I never did catch his last name.  I forgot it soon after he told me.

“Okay.  So these are my games… Monopoly –”

“Oh!  Monopoly, monopoly!  I’ve never played that before!”

“Alright,” I nodded, with a smile.

Pause.

“Oh, looks like I have to download it—just a sec.”

The game got downloaded.  But Jimmy couldn’t play it.  I had no idea how it worked and neither did he.

Next game…

“Lets do multi-player!  Multi-player, so you can play!”

“Okay…”

“Yay!!!”  He edge near.

Pause.

“Sorry — actually, only one person can play…”  I told him, not taking time to explain that in order for others to play, we’d need more cell phones.  The multi-player wasn’t for more than on player on the same cell, but multiple cells connected together.

He never protested as to why.

Later he played Sims 3.

While he was playing…

“What grade are you, Jimmy?”

Silence.

“Jimmy… what grade are you?”

“Oh!  Oh! I — I know this.  I know this!  I’m four–fourth grade!”

Obviously distracted by playing this game.

“How old are you?”

Silence.

“Jimmy — hey.  How old are you?”

“Ten!  I’m ten.”

“Okay, Jimmy.  When I have to leave you’ll have to give me my cell back — you know that right?”

“Yeah…”

“So Jimmy — does your mom let you play games at church?

Silence, earlier he’d mentioned he has an iPod touch and plays games on there.

“Huh, Jimmy?  Does she?”

“What?”

“Does your mom let you play games at church?”

Silence.

“Jimmy…”

“Huh?”

“Does your mom let you play games at church?”

“Oh-huh,” (quietly), “No…”

I looked at my cousin, she smiled.

“I don’t know if I should stop him or not.”  I told her; I really enjoyed his cute personality and company.

“Hey Jimmy, where’s your mom at?”

Silence.

“Where’s your mom at?”

“She’s — she’s in her class…”

“Where?”

“Downstairs, with–with kids.”

“Ah! Okay.”

“Jimmy remember how I told you I would had to take my cell from you when it was time for me to go?”

Silence.

“Well, I have to go now.”

“Oh…”

“I have to take my cell phone…”

“But—I beat your record!  I’m beating your record!”

“Oh, wow, well I have to take it…”  I pulled the cell phone from his hands.

“Will you keep playing?  Will you?”

“Yeah — I will.”

Jimmy stood and saw a ball, started playing with it, and mumbled things I cannot remember.

I didn’t keep playing.

seeking for simplicity? try silence. that’ll simplify your beautifully busy life

You know what I love?  I’ll tell you.  I love sitting in Barnes & Noble with no expectation of my time.

What a beautiful and fruitful day.  I spent four hours in – well, basically – silence today.  (Now, I did spent a minimum time praying out loud at first and then said a few hello’s, but the majority was spent in silence.)  For 2:30 hours I was good.  God and I were on the same page.  I even experience a cool little guidance moment with Him — amazing.  However, the last 1:30 I just checked out.

A snap happened and I was out of my restless pursuit of His presence.  I knew He was all around, so why keep trying to press in?  I think that was my conclusion.  And you know what?  I think it’s okay.  I told Him, I said, “God.  I’m tired of this.  I’m ready to be done with this 4 hour silence thing.  Really.  Please make my alarm go off.”

The alarm didn’t go off when I wanted it.  Soooo, the silence continued and continued.

Even though my heart was picking up a restless spirit, I still love that I stayed silent.  I tried my hardest and well, left the park earlier than I should (but the silence had remained!). I cherish this morning; oh my goodness, so much.  I felt bound by the time of my silent retreat — but it was beautiful.  The day was beautiful.  The sun was beautiful.  My heart feels beautiful.

I realized something pretty cool, for me.  My heart yearns – deeply yearns! – for a simple life.  A life not full of chaos and business, but SIMPLENESS.  That’s what I want.  A genuine simple life, with a simple life.  SO.  What did I realized?  Silence simplifies life.  Time slows down like crazy.

Seriously.  I compared my time spent (for 4 hours) on the computer, to my 4 hours of silence — and well, everything slowed down.  I enjoyed just soaking up the sun.  My mind slowed.  Thoughts did stream thought my oh so thoughtful beautiful mind, but I wasn’t bombarded by my usual non-stopping thoughtful mind.  It was just beautiful.  I’m not going to lie, I did get tired and bored of doing nothing.  But, in the mist of my boredom of the silence, I felt peace.  My life had been simplified.

let me tell you a story…

Her day had not began well.

The morning had come oh too soon for her liking.  She would have liked a few more hours of sleep and rest.  Her body felt exhausted.  Maybe a big construction car – or whatever they are called – had run her over leaving her body fragile and in need of restoration.  After two moments of consideration, she decided to pass her first class starting at 7:45.  Sleep seemed more important, needed in ways she could not truly explain.

Finally, rolling out of bed before 9 am  – her day began.  She popped a couple of pills of day-quill, hoping they’d kick in soon for relief.  She also took a pill for her stuffy nose–please note, that pill did nothing.  And so her day had started.  Slower than usual, she’d had a rough morning.  Her roommate’s snooze kept going off.  Thought of wasting time streamed through her mind.  Perhaps, she should have given up this shenanigans — she fought between defending her decision and the opposing idea.  Time passed, it was too late to get to class.  Peace flooded her mind.

Without much sense of urgency she arrived to her second – yet, current first – class of the day.  She sat there, listening to the teacher present her lesson.  Oh how hard it was to pay attention.  Her mind went in and out of needless thought of feeling overwhelmed.  She felt a fog found rest in her head and decided to stay there for the time being.

Time passed, class was out — she went and got food, did some homework in the library and got really cold.  She decided it wasn’t worth staying indoors: 1. she was felt very cold, and 2. the day was absolutely beautiful outside.  And so, she picked up her bag, magazines, and other belongings and headed outside.  She popped a squad outside the library.  Once she was happily sitting down, she pulled out her scissors — for her Script Writing class, her Prof. had assigned all his students to find stories, pictures, and characters from magazines, newspapers, articles — and so she wanted to do so by looking through the small pile she had.

The task felt good.  She was reading some interesting things.  The sun felt good on her skin — as if being outside brought a calmness to her disconnection and weakness.  Someone came and talked to her, while a roommate can by and asked if she’d like tea.  She said no — she didn’t want her roommate to buy her tea.  Her sickness was not worth someone spending $4 on her.   Eventually, the first person left, her roommate came back with a cup of tea in her hand.

She felt loved in a way she could to explain.  Even though she had said no, she had actually desired one more than she had wanted to admit.

“I asked them to put extra honey in it for you.”  The roommate said.

All she could do was say, “Thank you.” — even that wasn’t enough!

Her roommate left to study and she decided to put away her cuttings.  After all, she had class in about 15-10 minutes.  As she turned toward her leather backpack, she opened it, and found a spider.  Oh dear.  Frowning, she tried to get it out, but failed.  She looked to her other side, at the tea, noticing a bee had taken a liking to it.  Oh bees love honey, duuuh.  In a fit of panic, she tried to shoo the bee with her pen.  No benefit.  She stood, taking off her shoe, and tried shooing it with that.  Every so often it flew close to her face, scaring her — would it sting her?

She was becoming a spectacle.  All she kept thinking was:  I wish I was the one watching this!  It could be such a great story to tell my class (the Script Writing one, the Prof. has been adamant about finding good stories) — this would have been a perfect one.  As she kept trying to shoo the bee, she found no result.  Finally she saw a friend,

“Can you kill bees?”  She asked, her voice a slight whine.  Everything felt like a disaster.  She didn’t feel like she could handle it.  Not now, not while she was sick!  She was too tired to deal with bee’s and spiders!

The friend casually took the cup of tea, walked around the big wall, to come stand by her; while she moved her attention to the spider.  No luck there either.  Another friend appeared out of nowhere.  As she tried pushing the spider out of her bag with her pen, the other friend gave verbal confidence.  Then eventually, she picked up the bag for her.  Before she knew it, the spider was out — the other friend was gone and she was gathering her things.

“I’m gonna go inside,” she told the first to help, while he stood there watching her.  She was at a state of panic.  She just needed to move, get away from the bees and spiders.  It was all too overwhelming.  Once she had her bag on her back and her papers in her hands, she turned his way.

They both began walking toward the main entrance of the library.  ”Actually, I need to go to class.  Not the library,” she said absentmindedly.

“Oh,” she heard him let out and reached out to take her tea back.

“Thanks so much.”  She told him and they walked down the stairs.  She had thought he was going inside the library.  ”Where are you going?”

“Oh, I’m gonna get my bike,” he replied.

She nodded, “Oh, well, thanks!  See ya.”

She just needed to get to class.  Tell the Prof. she wasn’t ready, hoping it would be okay.

However, the moment she mentioned she was sick, he looked t her sympathetically.

“Go home and rest,” his voice came out compassionately.  ”Sometimes, when our bodies are tired and weak, it’s a necessary Sabbath.  So go and rest.”

Taking a moment to thank him, she took his advice.  She went back to her apartment and slept through class.  Waking up about an hour and a half later, she felt alive once more.

spring arbor concert

Yesterday, SAU hosted a concert for two bands I had never heard of before.

When I realized yesterday was the day of the annual concert in the Fall, I dreaded the night coming.  My day was pretty full and at the end of the day I did not want to go to the concert and mingle.  I’m not a good ‘mingler’–at least, I tell myself so.

Last night, I was proven wrong.

The concert was to begin at 8 pm.  At 7:30 pm, I would head over to the plaza to meet up with one of my roommates.  We’d head to a building and get ice-cream.  (An event for pro-life was giving out free ice-cream and my roommate wanted to find out more about it.)  We got there at 7:45 pm, my guess.  Their ice-cream was all out.

We headed back to the plaza, she had been volunteering for the concert–doing admission (taking people’s money and giving wrist-bands).  I was stuck on my own.  She was going to be busy until 8:30 and I said I’d wait for her.  I felt like I needed to hang out, even if by myself until then.  We said goodbye and I turned to walk away.  Ready to call my aunt in order to take up time.  However, before I could, I saw someone I knew.  I tapped her shoulder, she turned, we hugged and talked.  Then I said goodbye.

The whole 30 minutes, I saw some people I knew, mingled and wondered around on my own.  When my roommate, Julie, texted me that she was all done–I went to find her.  I felt accomplished.  I hadn’t minded listening to the concert on my own and I had seen many people, I had not expected.  The night ended up being better than I ever thought it’d be.

I truly enjoyed it.

good old senior year

I have to admit–this year feels the hardest.  Perhaps, I do not remember my freshman year to compare well, but I feel my statement is true.

For some reason, coming back to the states this time did not come easy.  Rather, it came quite forceful–without joy, nor anticipation.  I hate having this feeling, because it radiates through the rest of my being.

august 14, 2011

I was born on August 14th.  The day I am celebrated for my birth.

Today I turned 21.

Today I closed the 21st year of my life.

Today I am considered a full-adult.

Today turned out to be completely different from what anyone could have ever expected.

On Friday and Saturday, I had the privilege to visit two countries I haven’t been to in years; Skopia and Kosovo.  (Be as it may, I’ve grown up calling it Skopia and find it incredibly off if I call said country Macedonia.  Just a fyi. )  The last time I was in Kosovo was about 10 years ago, right after the war.  I felt such joy being in the same place I had spent years ago, seeing such change all around.  From nothing, they have grown into something.

Therefore, plans for my birthday were not scheduled until late Saturday evening.  Typical thing to happen, I can’t say I minded.  Truthfully, I prefer when others plan things for my birthday and not myself.  It’s odd to request people to celebrate me.  Anyways… We planned on going to Waterland – a water park I absolutely love.  Not because it has slides and pools, but because of the many fond memories I have from it.  I basically grew up at Waterland, when I was younger.  We would spend the day there and then go out for my birthday dinner at TGI Friday’s.  A family tradition.

Yet, when morning came around everything change.  My younger sister Kali ended up feeling really sick.  She’d been feeling sick all weekend, a stomach ache.  We went to church, she came as well, and by the end of it she had thrown up four times already.  We both went home right after church and she threw up about four more times.  Mom and Gina came back about 30 minutes later and we took her to the hospital.  She had caught a stomach virus, a really serious one.  She spent most of her day in the hospital.  Everyone apologized for basically no celebration on my birthday.

All the while I thought: how humbling.  Few serve others on their birthdays.